Thursday, May 31, 2012

A New Work In Me

This is almost a journaling type of post for me. I am so inconsistent with my posting and doll-making. It is due to my constant struggle with major depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. It wears me out to try and push myself to do things. I will have a period of time where I can produce but so much of the time it is a huge struggle! In spite of routine meds and therapies,  I have to fight my way out of a black hole, or struggle to prevent being dragged into this monster hole. Sometimes the suicidal thoughts plague me and it is if I am warring with a "HULK" sized entity. It really pisses me off because I am being robbed of so much living!  Thank God for Jesus and for my hubby! What would I do without them?

I used to be such a high functioning nurse, wife, mom, nana, daughter, sister, friend and child of God. I also deal with PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder from sexual abuse during my childhood. I was molested by a much older brother at ages 7-9 and by my eye doctor when I was 12. I wonder if people realized the damage they do to the lives of others with their abusive violations would it prevent so of it from happening? It is so destructive to the victims quality of life. One day I will elaborate on the effects of PTSD as a sexual abuse victim.

Many times it is difficult to even do my activities of daily living. Most days I spend in my pj's and usually need to push myself to wash up and dress. I watch a lot of TV because it takes very little effort to curl up in my favorite recliner with my "blanky". I t is difficult to be around a lot of people especially kids because they are so noisy!

Even my time with my grand-kids is severely limited because of my poor tolerance for noisy activity. The visits to my mom at the nursing home is my biggest sacrifice of effort. She's almost 92 with dementia and medical issues so we don't know how long she has with us. Visiting with her sometime gets on my 'nerves'. My hubby is so incredibly supportive and encouraging me to spend time with my mom. Sometimes he goes to see her without me and takes her special treats.

I feel that God is working somethings out in me and and it will be beneficial to document as I can. Maybe someone else will be blessed to know that they are not alone in these type of struggles. I pray a lot and read the bible. It helps! I watch Christian TV which is also beneficial. I very occasionally am able to attend a church service. Sometime I have to take an extra Ativan or 2 in order to travel to places especially where there will be a lot of people. It also makes me somewhat drowsy.  I shudder to think how I could try and cope without God and His word.

I try to focus on praying for others and being supportive via the internet. I believe that one day I will walk out into the other side of this bizarre place. Like Jesse Jackson says I must  "keep hope alive". Sometimes humor helps too! And yes, even born again Christians have these type of challenges! Love you!