Thursday, May 31, 2012

A New Work In Me

This is almost a journaling type of post for me. I am so inconsistent with my posting and doll-making. It is due to my constant struggle with major depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. It wears me out to try and push myself to do things. I will have a period of time where I can produce but so much of the time it is a huge struggle! In spite of routine meds and therapies,  I have to fight my way out of a black hole, or struggle to prevent being dragged into this monster hole. Sometimes the suicidal thoughts plague me and it is if I am warring with a "HULK" sized entity. It really pisses me off because I am being robbed of so much living!  Thank God for Jesus and for my hubby! What would I do without them?

I used to be such a high functioning nurse, wife, mom, nana, daughter, sister, friend and child of God. I also deal with PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder from sexual abuse during my childhood. I was molested by a much older brother at ages 7-9 and by my eye doctor when I was 12. I wonder if people realized the damage they do to the lives of others with their abusive violations would it prevent so of it from happening? It is so destructive to the victims quality of life. One day I will elaborate on the effects of PTSD as a sexual abuse victim.

Many times it is difficult to even do my activities of daily living. Most days I spend in my pj's and usually need to push myself to wash up and dress. I watch a lot of TV because it takes very little effort to curl up in my favorite recliner with my "blanky". I t is difficult to be around a lot of people especially kids because they are so noisy!

Even my time with my grand-kids is severely limited because of my poor tolerance for noisy activity. The visits to my mom at the nursing home is my biggest sacrifice of effort. She's almost 92 with dementia and medical issues so we don't know how long she has with us. Visiting with her sometime gets on my 'nerves'. My hubby is so incredibly supportive and encouraging me to spend time with my mom. Sometimes he goes to see her without me and takes her special treats.

I feel that God is working somethings out in me and and it will be beneficial to document as I can. Maybe someone else will be blessed to know that they are not alone in these type of struggles. I pray a lot and read the bible. It helps! I watch Christian TV which is also beneficial. I very occasionally am able to attend a church service. Sometime I have to take an extra Ativan or 2 in order to travel to places especially where there will be a lot of people. It also makes me somewhat drowsy.  I shudder to think how I could try and cope without God and His word.

I try to focus on praying for others and being supportive via the internet. I believe that one day I will walk out into the other side of this bizarre place. Like Jesse Jackson says I must  "keep hope alive". Sometimes humor helps too! And yes, even born again Christians have these type of challenges! Love you!


  1. Oh, precious, Janice,
    We are laid on the altar of sacrifice of praise daily. The world has never been a nice place as far back as Satan and the Garden of Eden. The first two children born to Adam and Eve ended in murder. Even with the Lord, I still weep for the unforgivable events that have happened to the innocent throughout the ages. We are all victims of our cruel enemy who will someday be destroyed along with death, which is also an unnatural occurrence. I know the one thing that keeps me focused is, I know my Savior went through all that he did in the way of suffering and he knows and has experienced the cruelty of mankind the same as many of his beloved saints have also suffered, including yourself, dear heart. You will be blessed beyond measure by your heavenly Father for what you have suffered. I know what you are going through with your mother, as I went through the same kind of turmoil when I had to visit her in a nursing home and it was almost torture for me, as I had already done enough for her as it was, and I was expected to do more than what I could physically handle, and it has taken it's toll on me. I know I was mildly molested by a relative when I was younger and I don't even know who it was. My own nieces by marriage were molested by my own uncle when he married their mother. I think so much of that type of anguish of soul goes on more than we can know among children who don't really know what happened to them, but they knew it wasn't right.
    And I read the news, Janice, about families in Syria being slaughtered by resistance groups right in their homes, and I think, God? When is it going to end? Jesus will reign some day and all wrongs will be made right for his children.
    Even Jesus didn't want to bear the cup of suffering he knew his Father had planned for him to be the Savior of the World.
    I am glad you posted this, and I will pray for you so much more.

  2. Just another thought as I forgot to say my mother-in-law was the one I visited in a nursing home for three months almost daily, which she was in good hands and it was almost literally making me physically ill. I hardly received any thanks from my own husband for caring for his mother in our home for almost two years. He did end up doing more for his mother during her last months, which did help greatly.
    Take care, dear heart

  3. I am so blessed by you Teresa! I adore you and thank God for you and others like you! Hugs and much love to you!

  4. I'm so sorry to hear this, Janice! God needs to heal you, that's for sure. I will pray for you.

    My friend Lorraine is giving away my humorous devotional this week, that might be just the thing for you!

  5. Thank you for honesty and courage... I can certainly identify with your are not alone, dear one...hang in there...keep the day you will know peace and be free of the past...hold that vision close.